GHOSTED: The facts; Honest responses from Real people | Getting to the heart of the problem in this digital world.

10 min readAug 13, 2021

Ghosting, what is happening?

There are many forms of ghosting, but it is best described as the ending of all contact and communication with another person without warning or reason and subsequently ignoring any attempts made by the other person to contact you. Principally, it is the silent treatment with no explanation. Typically this happens in romantic relationships and dating; the most substantial effect is the online dating world, but it also extends to friends and family, even businesses, whomever you may engage.

Have you ever been ghosted? I have! It’s a terrible feeling. It leaves you confused and dismayed, feeling doubtful about yourself, sometimes even affecting your self-confidence, but it has more to do with them and not you. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Ghost tale from my dating crypt:

Enter Mr.Parks. We had been on multiple dates and had a great connection. He knew I would be travelling for a few months, and we said our goodbyes. I had been gone already for two months and thought about him, so I decided to text to see how things were. Immediately, he seemed excited that I had reached out. It was around the Christmas holidays, and it was his downtime at work. The messaging and video calls for that month were daily, sometimes more. As time went by, things started to change; the calls were less frequent, and so were the messages. By the third month, silence, I was ghosted. It was March of 2019, Covid was just ramping up and I had tried to reach out to him. I was returning from my travels and thought maybe something else was going on, and wondering if he was okay? Meet up for coffee, perhaps, to catch up. He did seem a little stressed from work the last time we spoke. Still no response.

I was walking to the park one day in summer and ran into him. It may have been slightly awkward for him at first because he had ghosted me, but I’m so friendly and casual, I think I put him at ease. We ended up talking and catching up, sitting on a bench for about an hour. He wanted to explain that his work was so busy and because he is in an industry that deals directly with covid related recovery, he just did not have time for anything then, now, or in the near future. Thinking to myself, Wow, seriously, even one message saying that would have been kindly received. I just wanted to catch up with a coffee, not snag me a husband.

A simple message relayed about what was happening in his life and all those extra feelings, emotions, or thoughts associated could have been avoided. If we had discussed what we were looking for long-term, that could have eased some of the pressure. Update: Four months after this park bench conversation, we had coffee together, and we've spoken a couple of times. He now sends me random messages.

Has society forgotten how communicate?

We are connected more and more every day through social media and online platforms. We live in a digital age. Unfortunately, this anonymity brings out behaviours that we can be whomever we want to be while treating others however we wish, disregarding who we truly are as a people. Remember, we are not just talking or replying to a screen or a text; a disposable, inanimate thing on the other side, but an actual person with feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

How and what you say to people on the receiving end matters. Take care how you convey yourself. It can be taken to heart, out of context, or literal, and people may overvalue sentimental statements and misconstrue your feelings. Where there is a lack of tone in messaging, it makes it that much harder. We tend to miscommunicate things that may be considered romantic, hurtful, heartfelt, or even meaningful, but in your day-to-day circle of friends, this is a regular friendly conversation; people will respond differently depending on how they interpret it.

Before you speak, consider the other person; we have to be more transparent in what we are saying and why we are saying it, but do it honestly. We shouldn't allow ourselves to communicate things to others if there is no truth in what we are saying. For example, misleading, charming, or enticing someone; Pretending to advance towards a committed romantic relationship while knowing that this was never your intention. It's called breadcrumbing. That topic is for another day.

Why is ghosting so popular?

According to the media and surveys available online, ghosting is on the rise because of the increased usage of online dating apps and social media, allowing the term to be more recognized, accepted, and popularized; Becoming part of our culture. Thus, ignoring what we do not want to deal with, the absence of acknowledging the consequences of our actions, nor communicating our thoughts and feelings to other people. In addition, some resources have pointed out the lack of empathy and elevated selfishness in society is also to blame.

Wanting to get to the bottom of this issue myself, I surveyed 80 people, ages 25-45, and asked them a series of questions relating to ghosting:

Have you ever been ghosted? How did you feel?
Did you ever Ghost someone else, and why?
How did you feel after ghosting someone else?

The result of being Ghosted.

The impressions left on people after being ghosted did not depend on their age range or gender. The majority were left feeling devastated, broken-hearted, in a state of anxiety, wondering why this was happening, and even blaming themselves, feelings of lowered self-esteem and self-worth. Questioning their actions, what if they had done something differently, didn't send that last message, make that last call, or even feelings of regret about sexual relations, sexting, or sending provocative pictures. Things that cannot be changed or answered by the person who has cut them out of their lives and left them in the dark. For a few people surveyed, it has even brought past traumas and abandonment issues from their childhood to the surface. This ghosting problem is causing me some serious concerns for people's mental health.

Why people Ghosted.

People primarily ghost when they don’t know someone very well.
They consider the relationship insignificantly young.
Not interested in any future relationship or contact, finding it easier to ignore, not having to deal with others' feelings.
They're worried/concerned: Things are moving too fast or not ready for a relationship.
They were overwhelmed: feeling that they have to message or call immediately back or the relationship was too stressful.
Low Self-esteem: Feeling like the other person is out of their league and is worried about future rejection.
Ready to move on asap: After sexting or relations, They lost interest, the chase was over, and they were not interested in dealing with the other person's emotions.
Fake profile: The person isn't whom they were pretending to be online, pictures, life, location, lied about marital status.
Needs space to think things through, and the other person is not giving them that time—a break.
Stalker- Don't stalk or harass other people!

Between the ages of 25-37, ghosting seemed the predominant way to discontinue contact and move forward. The higher the age range, 38-45, This method significantly lowered. I am considering this may be due to maturing in an era when this was an infrequent and less acceptable behaviour. While taking this survey, it came up multiple times that men who have daughters are less likely to cut someone out abruptly and are more understanding when considering its effects from a female perspective. Thus, communicating what they are looking for precisely and expressing when they are no longer interested in pursuing anything further in a respectable manner.

When people told me their stories of why they ghosted someone, the majority attempted to back it up with their reasonings and excuses to validate why it was acceptable. It wasn’t a big deal to them, nor of any consequence. Some felt guilty after or even wished they had never done it. Some realized later that they missed an opportunity with someone great and should have just been honest. A few were gloating and couldn’t care less, one interesting character to survey quoted saying,

‘I ain’t got time for that. I hit it, and I’m outta there".

When they told me their stories of when people ghosted them, it was the complete opposite attitude. First, they couldn’t believe someone would do this to them. Second, they were taken by complete surprise when it happened, and they explained that it felt like the worst experience ever. It was the waiting and not knowing that was the worst part.

We need to stop and think about all of this for a moment and consider a quote we have known since we were children.

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

We should be more respectful and kind to others; Do you agree?

When is ghosting acceptable?

I know the feelings that happen when ghosted, and I am empathetic towards people who have experienced it, but would I ever consider ghosting someone else? I have and would do it again with no second thoughts.

Based on these circumstances and situations, it is acceptable to ghost someone:

If you've only communicated a few times and it didn't go anywhere, most people will ghost, and it shouldn't be taken to heart. However, It is more positive to tell the other person and explain whatever is going on, should they ask, but it isn't necessary if you've never met.
If the other person is not accepting NO for an answer and you’ve been clear that you are not interested in further communication. Ghost away, then block if they are still persistent.
If you are trying to escape an abusive relationship or feel your safety is in jeopardy, this is definitely a reason for using the ghosting method. If that doesn’t work, upgrade to complete blocking.

Are you being ghosted?

When you first started speaking, they were very responsive and eager to reply right away. Now there are hardly any messages or responses without a reasonable explanation or apology. This situation sounds like a "Soft Ghost," leading into a whole conversation breakdown, the dreaded Full Ghost. They are just not into you anymore, and that's okay. Move along, and you'll meet someone more deserving and enjoyable to spend your free time on.
Three days usually is considered being ignored, but with everyone having different types of relationships and location differences, or possibly something new is happening in the other person's life at the moment, you can't entirely go by the 3-day rule. You have to base it on the typical time frames of you both reaching out to each other. Suppose there aren't any timeframes to go by because the relationship is new. You can probably add yourself to the ghosted list.
Are they really busy or ghosting me? Who cares at this point? Why are you in it if you are not getting what you deserve or want in a relationship? If you have to question whether or not someone is really into you, there's a problem. The person you are dating or in a relationship with should have clarified that you are important and wanted. If not, do not waste your time and energy thinking about things like this and move along.
Are you being ignored? When the only interaction left with them is through social media platforms. For example, Facebook or Instagram, where someone likes your comments on their posts or your last message but does not respond to it. Yes, this is somewhat of a Soft Ghosting, not completely ignoring you, but letting you know there is no interest anymore.
Revolving ghosts; The reappearing and disappearing act; they push you away and pull you in. They cut you off and come back again repeatedly, like a ghosting or blocking cycle. It's considered manipulative, passive-aggressive, mental abuse and borders on narcissistic tendencies and actions. Stay clear of these types of people. You must cut them off and not reply, no matter how much hurt this initially causes you. It feels challenging to restrain because they have created this situation, In effect, causing your reaction for that exact reason; To be in Control.

It may be tempting to reach out to someone who has ghosted you, but consider how they have gone about this with you. Everyone needs and deserves some closure, and when you’re not able to get that, it shows their true colours and how selfish they are. It’s best to pick yourself up and create that closure within yourself with some self-love, time with friends, and continue doing whatever it is that brings enjoyment in your life to take your mind off the situation. This has nothing to do with who you are as a person and everything to do with them. Anyone who can easily and without conscience disregard anything you might have shared is not worthy of your affections.

Your input is greatly valued:

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